What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
