I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
