She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
