Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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