Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
birth control should be required to get into college
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
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