I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
