I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
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