i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
