I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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