Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize