I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
