i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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