I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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