I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
