Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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