dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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