There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
