its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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