i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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