man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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