how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize