apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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