my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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