i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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