so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
