I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
