Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
