Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
