Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
