i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
