I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
