ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
