oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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