I wish life had little blips of pornography
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
