Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
