Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Sober January is a disaster.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
