you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize