The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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