were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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