Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
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