Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
only if we run a train.
done.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
