I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
