Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Randomize
