Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
