my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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