My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
