i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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