Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
