I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Your cock deserves a montage
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
