Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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