I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
