My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
