Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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