i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
