I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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