There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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