I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize