My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
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