Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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