i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
