Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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